In my last post, I had my say on paternity leave entitlements. This time I’m taking a more personal look at the topic based on my own experiences. It seems that reflecting on paternity leave is a bit of an in thing at the moment. Facebook employee Tom Stocky recently posted about what he’d learnt during the four months of paternity leave that he was able to take and his initial post has gone viral. In addition, Scott Behson has just posted a story about Major League Baseball players who have recently taken paternity leave on his blog Fathers, Work and Family.
Here are three thoughts based on my own experiences of paternity leave:
1. It’d be a real shame not to take paternity leave. On some levels, the idea of taking two weeks off during a time of year when I wouldn’t normally take a fortnight’s holiday seemed odd. There were also practical questions. What would I do about the work that I would normally be expected to do during the time that I was going to be off on paternity leave? When was the paternity leave going to actually fall and how would the timing affect my work?
However, the most important things were that I wanted to be able to take paternity leave in order to be able to support my wife and soon-to-arrive son / daughter. With living in the UK, this was thankfully a legal entitlement so not something to feel remotely guilty about. Indeed, I recently read that 90% of fathers in the UK opt to take the two weeks of paternity leave to which they are entitled. What was foremost in my mind was that we were preparing for a major life event and I wanted to be as much a part of it as I could.
I did take some practical steps to manage the work situation so as I wouldn’t be too swamped on my return from paternity leave. I worked extra hard during the last few months leading up to the birth of our son, mainly during times when my wife was going to aqua-natal classes, mindfulness classes or the local community choir. I also brought forward a few engagements that were likely to fall during the time when I was going to be on paternity leave. People were very understanding about this, which was a real help.
2. Paternity leave certainly isn’t a holiday. I had perhaps somewhat naively thought that I might have a moment or two to read through some things for work during my two weeks on paternity leave, but it didn’t happen (…which I reckon was a good thing in lots of ways!). Our son’s preferred napping position during the day was curled up on someone who was sitting on the sofa. This meant that either myself or my wife could be pinned down for two hours or more at a time. Moving without waking him felt a bit like playing Jenga or Buckaroo, except with greater pressure.
One thing that I found satisfying on a personal level during paternity leave was being able to go out and do simple practical things such as going to the supermarket or stocking up on baby supplies (…and not just because I managed to build up enough loyalty card points for several free slices of cake and a free lunch or two!). I had tried to be as supportive as possible during pregnancy and labour, but at times felt that there was only so much I could do as it was my wife who was experiencing the pains, tiredness and other effects that come with carrying and giving birth to a baby.
However, the most important thing for me was simply spending the quality time with my wife and son as we got used to life as a family. Seeing our son do all sorts of little things for the first time felt amazing. Helping to give him his first bath and going on our first family outing together to a little cafe by the sea just fifteen minutes away were particular highlights. As he hadn’t yet started smiling, I for some reason took great pleasure from taking pictures of him doing big yawns. I am also very proud of one picture where he appears to be imitating the pose that sprinter Usain Bolt did after winning the men’s 100m at last year’s Olympics. It was also great to have so many people both nearby and far away who were happy for us and shared our sense of excitement about his arrival and who communicated this to us during this period via cards, presents and e-mails.
3. Returning to work can be challenging. I normally come in to work feeling fresh in the morning, especially at the start of the week. However, things were a bit different when I came back from paternity leave. I had got used to having reduced and broken sleep during paternity leave but not the combination of these sleep patterns and putting in a normal day of work. I certainly felt a lot more tired when I got home after work.
In some ways, the hardest part was going from spending more or less all of every day with my wife and son to leaving while they were still asleep and not seeing them again until 6pm. That said, being a dad has given me an extra incentive to be productive, make sure I get what I need to done and have as little work as possible to take home at evenings and weekends.
My experience of returning to work has lead me to question the stereotypical notion that men on paternity leave often see heading back to work as a welcome return to normality or sanity. I was glad to hear this notion challenged by Dean Beaumont of DaddyNatal during an appearance on BBC Radio Four’s ‘Woman’s Hour’ back in January. ‘Normality’ is now being a father and trying to do my best in this role as well as in my job. Fatherhood has certainly brought plenty of new experiences and I would not have been able to experience these anywhere near as fully had I not taken paternity leave.
I’d love to know your views on paternity leave, so please feel free to use the comments section below or on the ‘Dad’s the way I like it’ page on Facebook and the new ‘Dad’s the way I like it’ page on Google+. You can also subscribed to this blog via e-mail using the link on the right hand side of this page.
Dad's the way I like it 
Jul 11, 2013 @ 22:23:40
Thanks for linking to my recent post. I really like your article which makes it more personal and shares your experiences!
Jul 12, 2013 @ 11:52:55
You’re welcome, Scott. I see running this blog as being part of a dialogue on issues to do with being a dad and am always happy to link to articles that deal with similar themes to what I’m posting about. I’m sure that people who read this will be interested to read your post about MLB players and paternity leave too.
Jul 12, 2013 @ 19:52:25
What a wonderful post! I think it is so important for the father to have the time at home so the whole family can bond and figure out the family dynamics together as everything changes when you add a new person into it and especially when the new person is a baby who needs everything done for him/her.
Jul 12, 2013 @ 20:02:02
Thank you for your kind words, glad you liked the post!
Jul 23, 2013 @ 13:31:19
I didn’t get paid paternity leave with either of our boys but took 2 weeks off with the first and took 2 weeks off with the second but delayed that by a week as my mother in law was here to help and as I work from home I was here for my baby should I have been needed. Great article. You captured so many thoughts and feelings I had at the time of our first boy’s arrival.
Jul 23, 2013 @ 13:44:43
Thanks for your comment, glad you liked the post. It’s good to hear that you were able to take time off as well. Over the summer, I’m able to work from home a bit more often than normal and like being able to be there to help out. What are paternity leave entitlements like in Australia?
Jul 24, 2013 @ 22:05:05
It’s nice to see such an enthusiastic father taking a practical approach to new parenthood. DH is self employed so is not ‘entitled’ as such to paternity leave. If he doesn’t work he simply doesn’t earn as much, which means that even on holiday he is to some extent on-call. That said, he did work very hard during the first two weeks after our daughter was born, juggling parenting with occasional phone calls and emails as well as managing visitors, shopping and everything else. As I’d ended up with a c-section it was usually me who was, like you, pinned to the sofa with a sleeping baby so he worked like a trooper. I’m amazed and slightly saddened at the 90% statistic but can understand some of the reasons why it’s not possible or practical to take time off but I’m eternally grateful and proud to have had that special time together as a family. We even discussed the possibility of him taking 6 months off when my maternity leave is over to raise our daughter as one of our friends is doing. Not practical in the end sadly.
Jul 29, 2013 @ 21:32:11
Thanks for your comment, I’ve only just seen it as it was initially marked as spam for some reason. It sounds like the system here in the UK needs to take into account of the sort of issues that you mention that can make it hard for people who are self-employed to take paternity leave. Glad to at least here that you were able to have a special time together as a family despite the challenges.
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Jul 31, 2013 @ 12:13:31
Jul 31, 2013 @ 13:23:14
Thanks for the mention, will have to check out all the posts that you mention. By the way, my blog’s called ‘Dad’s the way I like it’ (not ‘dads you like it’). Just followed you on Twitter, will keep an eye out for the Sunday night Twitter parties.
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Dec 09, 2013 @ 20:36:45
I was really lucky, my husband saved up annual leave and tagged it on the end of his paternity leave so he took a total of 5 weeks. I had a C-section and couldn’t drive until then so it worked out great for us. But by the time my husband went back he was so sleep deprived. He talks about how he’d do things at work and the next day wouldn’t remember anything about what he’d done, but his note book had notes which means he must have done it. Meanwhile I got to lie around on the sofa with baby. I think its great that in the UK men get legal rights to paternity leave, but its sad that its only 2 weeks and even sadder that its not 100% of Dads taking it. I also think a lot less preparation and thought goes into a man taking paternity leave, than a woman going on maternity leave. Maybe bosses need to give more consideration to sharing out work loads rather than leaving it to the employee to work out for themselves – no-one expects a pregnant woman to make their own arrangements for maternity cover (actually maybe some crappy bosses do!).
Dec 15, 2013 @ 17:19:01
I’d have loved to have been able to take more than two weeks, but it’d have been very hard due to when in the year our son was born and the impact it’d have had on colleagues who’d have had to teach re-arranged classes at short notice and marked exams.
My wife also gave birth via C-section, so she was still fairly early on in the recovery when I went back to work. I was able to prepare for paternity leave to a certain extent, e.g. by bringing forward some classes that I was due to teach so as I didn’t have as many to catch up on after paternity leave. it worked fairly well but I still had a pretty mad first four days in my first week back.
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May 01, 2014 @ 02:52:27
My husband stayed home for the first week or son. I think he would have like to take more time.
May 04, 2014 @ 20:41:23
Being able to have a week off when your partner’s just given birth is great although I can imagine that it may well go very quickly indeed. If I’d only had a week of paternity leave (instead of two), that’d have mean only about three full days at home with my wife and home. This is because they were kept in for a few days as the birth was a C-section, and it’s unfortunately very rare for dads here in the UK to be able to stay in the hospital in these circumstances.